PLAYER PROFILE #2
0 MARTIN ? JONATHAN ? ANDREW ?
AGE : 23
AGE : 23
ALIAS : Andriano, Martin
POSITION : anywhere on the left. gk when lazy,69
HEIGHT : 175 (fake)
WEIGHT : 70 (maybe fake)
FAV CLUB N PLAYER : Man Utd / Messi
LEAST FAV CLUB N PLAYER : Chelsea / Drogba
FAVORITE FOOD : Teochew Porridge
FAVORITE DRINK : Absolut Raspberry
FAVORITE DRINK : Absolut Raspberry
ENDORSED BY : Umbro
CAP : 10 years' worth
PERSONAL MOTTO : Rhomba jolly
SPECIALITY : Disturbing people, bionic left foot,
SPECIALITY : Disturbing people, bionic left foot,
In a nutshell, this player has been to JUFC what Ryan Giggs has been to Man Utd, what Recoba has been for Inter, what Pires has been to Arsenal, what Robben has been to Chelsea, and what Kewell has been to Liverpool. HAHA sorry sorry the last one is a lie Kewell sucks and Liverpool do not have any worthy players comparable to this JUFC legend - flinging flanging his way down the wing with some crazy skillz and mad dashes, topped off with monster shots that has seen holes bashed in both the back of the net as well as the palm trees behind the goal. Poor palm trees.. There is no denying that that bionic left foot of his, coupled with a burst of speed quite like a flash of lightning, or a lighter sparkler, makes for a potent combination. His fitness may be equivalent to that of a two year old’s (as are all of ours), but make no mistake – with his eye for goal and enigmatic presence he certainly lives up to the Andriano tag. There have been occasions in the past when his bionic legs have malfunctioned, but like a true legend and Jolly, Andriano carries on, using his hands to move his legs to play the ball. What a hero, what a character. He has also been known to moonlight as a keeper whenever the calling comes or when the going gets tough. Admirable!
Off the field, Andrew's celebrity status has been heightened with several paparazzi reports of him being spotted at Orchard Towers. He has also been caught in several scandals with unknown individuals. These reports, till today, just like ET, Stonehenge, Roswell, Adin being straight, and cows flying, have been unconfirmed. Anyone with any relevant news regarding this superstar may contact the witness-help hotline and rest assured, you will be placed in the witness protection program. Your safety is our number one concern. Ha.
Andriano is also indispensable to JUFC as he volunteers as the club’s unofficial booker of courts and disturber of drinksellers. Fans wanting to get a glimpse of him should keep a lookout for a flash of limbs down the left flank, occasionally a wispy trail of smoke, and the sight of a ball being volleyed at 90000 km/h into the back of the net. Alternatively, when things get too tiring, look for him keeping goal for the team.
Off the field, Andrew's celebrity status has been heightened with several paparazzi reports of him being spotted at Orchard Towers. He has also been caught in several scandals with unknown individuals. These reports, till today, just like ET, Stonehenge, Roswell, Adin being straight, and cows flying, have been unconfirmed. Anyone with any relevant news regarding this superstar may contact the witness-help hotline and rest assured, you will be placed in the witness protection program. Your safety is our number one concern. Ha.
Andriano is also indispensable to JUFC as he volunteers as the club’s unofficial booker of courts and disturber of drinksellers. Fans wanting to get a glimpse of him should keep a lookout for a flash of limbs down the left flank, occasionally a wispy trail of smoke, and the sight of a ball being volleyed at 90000 km/h into the back of the net. Alternatively, when things get too tiring, look for him keeping goal for the team.
2 comments:
bollocks man. real bollocks.....Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.
United We Stand
It was the dawwning of an era their greatest team for years,
The wonder kids from Manchester would outshine all their peers.
Moulded as a unit, this year they would not fail,
To win the league, the FA cup and Europe`s holy grail.
The ugly Neville brothers, stopped everyone on the ball,
Jaap Stam was the centre back, overrated by all.
Irwin played well with his left foot as good as anyone,
But he is so pale, can`t always play in the sun.
Johnsen and Beckham in the middle, could always play it nice,
But Beckham preferred to go to bed with a girl he called Posh Spice.
The flanks had Scholes and Giggsy, a right pair of likely lads,
Quick to get their kit off too, that`s why they`ll soon be dads.
Nicky would work his "butt" off, do anything for the boss,
So if he ever went off injured it really was a loss.
The old timers would compare him, to their hero Nobby Styles,
A right wee dirty bastard who could run for miles and miles.
Sheringham would be busy, playing balls into defensive holes,
For the ever running Cole to score some vital goals.
Solskjaer used his head and feet, and he scored a tidy sum,
Andy Cole scored most of his from deflections of his bum.
With May and Berg sat on the bench no weakness could be seen,
They could do without the lunatic, of a captain called Roy Keane.
Dwight York is their new man, Solskjear is no more,
Same problem as Cole, if only he can score.
Not for them the league cup, they would need their first team fit,
So they just sent out the kids, even though they played like "shit".
They got knocked out of this minor cup by a lower division team,
Still it didn`t really matter, European glory was their dream.
Alex claimed it wasn`t fair, with the matches they had to play,
So other teams should postpone their games until a later day.
When Hoddle would ask for players, Alex`s reply was curt,
There were none of them available as all of them were hurt.
But we all know football is a funny game, that can kick you in the balls,
And there is nothing quite as sickening as a "cer" thing when itfalls.
United`s collapse was sudden, supporters were taken bu surprise,
The Man United faithful just could not believe their eyes.
The theatre of dreams "Old Trafford", had thousands every match,
It was full of nervouse tension when they hit a rocky patch.
Alex had his stopwatch out, in case the ref played extra time,
Always moaning about decisions to the official`s on the line.
If a "booking" went against them, you should of heard them squeal,
Then it was on the phone to London to arrange a quick appeal.
I was only United players who were allowed to kick and spit,
If anyone else committed a foul then Alex took a fit.
The adulation from United fans, now seems to be amiss,
And all who hate United are queuing up to take the piss.
Weeks og "slobbering" from United fans has got our gander up,
And now we`re all delighted that they haven`t won a cup.
Glory, glory Man United is what their supporters like to sing,
So please tell me "Where is the glory", if you haven`t won a thing.
No shortage of oppotunities both in Europe and at home,
And still they won no silverware, just the odd wee bit of chrome.
Where it went wrong its hard to say, no one knows the reason,
The only thing for sure no is, they`ve won "sod all" this season.
Fergie`s had a breakdown, it`s been said he`s flipped his lid,
No more winning hugs and kisses from his "bum chum" Brian Kidd.
Still don`t despair United fans although you want to cry,
Look forward to this season, at least your team will try.
And when winning in the future, life just seems a "gas",
Just remember Arsenal, who showed your jibes right up your ass.
Post a Comment